Not receiving closure may just be the closure you need

After a relationship ends on bad terms some of us tend to seek closure in order to move on. We want to feel a sense of resolution to help move us onto accepting the fact that the relationship is over. For some this is what we need to move on, for others it might be an reason not to move on. Often not every relationship you are involved in will allow for the door to be closed fully closed.  Its okay to close that door on your own because curiosity could end up killing the cat, and lead to you to a place where you might not want to end up. There are times where we do know in fact that the relationship is over, do you need concrete evidence from your significant other? Sometimes we move on to soon giving ourselves a false sense of closure. Then there are times when we take too long to ever really move on because we feel that we’ve never received the closure we needed to close that final chapter.

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If you can relate to this then this article is for you. We sometimes get stuck in that phase because sometimes your significant other might rob you of that by choosing not to, either because they feel you are not deserving of it, or because they want to keep you around for a little longer. Well my beautiful reader I am here to tell you that it’s your life, and while you enjoy the ride don’t ever let someone else take control of your wheel and steer you into the wrong direction. Don’t ever get to the point where you need an answer to decide to move on, if your lover is stubborn, or severed ties with you before giving you any closure then you might not get that closure you need want to move on.

Closure is not necessary, and it is not needed to move on

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In the end there would definitely need to be a proper structure of communication between the two of you in order to express this. If the communication is broken for whatever reason and you feel the need for closure that you might not get at instant (and by instant I mean that if there wasn’t obvious signs or evidence that you can figure out on hour own) answer, all you can do is let time take its course to make another attempt. Closure is not necessary, and it is not needed to move on . Even though it might help with the process of moving on, try not to get hung up over it, or put your life on hold until that day comes. Because not getting closure may be the closure you need, it might not be what you expect but it might be the closure you need. Free your thoughts and watch them fly ~SWV.

Freiheit

PREFERENCE & OR PREJUDICE

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Dating use to be so simple, now days it seems to become such a controversial subject. Have you ever mentioned to someone about your preference and received backlash for because of it, and thought to yourself what in the bigotry…when did having a preference became prejudice? I remember signing up dating site, the first thing I had to fill out was my personal info (for the people that are interested in you) and then fill out information for my preference (the person you plan to be paired with).

First things first, if it’s a general dating site you will have to state your sexuality (if you choose). That is unless you go a specific website that targets certain demographics or sexual orientation like, Christian Mingle, Black people meet, Ashley Madison, or Sugar Daddy Meet. Then you will be able to describe what you are interested in a person physically. You will go into more detail like height, body type and then lists your interests, hobbies that you like and would like for your interest to have in common, and then WALA! Just sit back and wait for that dm from the person of your dreams. 

to be attracted to a person you must be just that, attracted

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Yes, it might seem a bit shallow but to be attracted to a person you must be just that, attracted. Whether you are a person that must find physical attraction first, must be intellectual stimulated be a least bit attracted at first, we all agree that there must first be some form of attraction. Sure, some people tend to be more specific than others when it comes to appearance. They might prefer someone that is tall in stature, with skinny ankles,  light eyes, perfect teeth, and hair that glistens in the sun like a mermaid, because that is what they find attractive… now (and I say this because situations like reality and maturity tend to change this in time). But seriously speaking, some persons might prefer someone that is glamorous, while others prefer someone more the girl/guy next door type.

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A person like this will be looked at as superficial which is not where the problem lies. I think the part that becomes more misunderstood and offensive to others is when race becomes involved. Where someone of specific race might say that they prefer do date only within their race or only outside of there race. This is where we are judged ever more as racist or discriminating. A person should be allowed a preference whether it offends someone or not, because in the end love have no boundaries. As long a person if of age and mentally able to they should be able to chose to date whomever they please. Just a few years ago people were not just judged but killed because of having a preference. It was illegal for persons of a different race, social class, or genders to do this, let’s not go back in time where we were punished for wanting to chose who or what we want.

Common topics that spark controversy when having a preference to:

  • Dating outside or only inside your race.
  • Dating someone with intellect.
  • Dating outside your culture.
  • Dating persons of a specific body type.
  • Dating within or out of your social class.
  • Dating someone with kids.
  • Dating someone with a large age gap. 

There are many more topics that can be included, but the topics listed are what I have noticed to be the most common and controversial topics when it comes to dating. The only reason I have noticed for this to be offensive to others is because of a person being close minded and only seeing it their way, or insecure because they might not fit the preference of that particular person. It’s totally fine to not be someones cup of tea, even if that is a person you might be interested in, sure it might sting at first but now that there is someone out there that will someday find you worship the ground you walk on. In the end its not wrong to date someone that is exactly like you or totally different from you, no two persons are exactly alike.

17 Of The Cutest Opposites-Attract Couples Ever On TV

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17 Of The Cutest Opposites-Attract Couples Ever On TV

Here is a list of my favorite onscreen couples that dated with no boundaries.

Rich, poor, human, supernatural, nerdy, popular, socially awkward, black, white, English, Irish, Pink lady, T- Bird, fiction or non we still can learn a thing or two from them.

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Edward and Kim. From Edward Scissorhands (1990) (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099487/).
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Danny and Sandy. From Grease (1978) (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0077631/?ref_=ttmi_tt).
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“Testing the Waters” Move in before or after tying the knot?

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There is nothing better than walking through the mall or grocery store and being offered a sample of an item before wasting your money and purchasing something that looks delectable due to the package, but ends up nothing like you expected. Better yet, what about seeing an outfit in the display window of a clothing store and then you try it on and it turns to look absolutely absurd? Being able to test something out before committing yourself to purchase is the most convenient solution, but what if we apply this method when it comes to the deciding factor on whether or not to move in with your significant other before getting married?

living together v.s dating and living separately

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http://thehookmag.com/2015/10/chart-listing-the-differences-between-living-with-your-girlfriend-and-living-alone-is-pretty-accurate1-63724/
Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

In terms of seeing if your spouse would end up being a good room mate for life if you plan on marrying them in the near future, (this does not apply to couples that move in for convenience). Some couples feel that it is necessary to move in together as a trial era to see if they can indeed live together for eternity. As times begin to change relationships, and traditions begin to change with it also, but should this be one of those changes that we should embrace?

Photo by GEORGE DESIPRIS on Pexels.com

With major decision you make, the best way to attempt it is to lay out the advantages and disadvantages. Sure its a good idea to move in and save up for your a future home, or to see if there are any bad habits that can be tolerated, but what is the point? If you decide to move in together do it for reasons other than “Testing the waters” because the only difference with it being done before marriage is the timing. You can live with someone after you are married and all of a sudden you begin to notice thing that may rub you the wrong way, but that is what every relationship is about, compromise. Moving in before hand will prolonging the process, or its kind of like anticipating something can go left.

I am a person that loves my space, and the only way I feel the need to share it is if I get married. The idea of dating someone, falling in love and deciding to marry them is enough for me because to me that is what it is about, accepting and embracing change. You can always sleep over if you want to see how they live, and vise versa. Therefore your place will still be available as insurance against committing by default.

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My only issue with is to make sure that if you want to test the waters, make sure it be with someone worth testing the waters with.  Do not start acting like a wife or husband when you are still a girlfriend or boyfriend, I mean if we do then what would be the point of marriage? People that are afraid of commitment would often be involved in relationship like this. There is an old but true saying “Why buy the cow if you can sample the cow for free” ( I can hear my grandmother telling me this while pointing in my face with her index finger). This saying exists simply because it was done before, and because of this relationships often lead to a state of inertia. You get so content with your life, that you become comfortable and it will cause you to ignore signs that the relationship is not working, if it ends up making a turn for the worst. So you end up deeply invested in a relationship basically for convenience, and familiarity even though you know that its better off to call it a quits.

Destination Friend Zoned: Who’s to blame?

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 Destination Friend Zoned: Who’s to blame?

Don’t you wish that a person could wear a sign like the one above on a t-shirt as a precautionary warning? There is one place I’m sure no woman or man would want to end up in. The dreaded FRIEND ZONE, it almost sounds like a place from a Sci-fi thriller. I have seen and heard so many different definition of this term. My definition for it is being in a place and time frame that a person (the person with the interest) is placed into (temporary or permanent), when they develop an attraction towards a friend (the person they are interested in) and the feelings are not reciprocated.

Now I know it simply sounds like a definition of a person that you are just not that into, but a candidate for a friend zone is a little more than that. To me it can be a person that is put on the back burner, until maybe the possibility of the mutual feelings being returned. It is where you segregate the person with little, or no potential of being someone that will be able to be in an intimate relationship with you.

Sometimes a person is placed in this zone either because:

  • The person just simply is just not into them.
  • They are not ready to start a relationship with them at the moment.
  • They cannot see themselves in a relationship with the person.
  • They need to keep someone on the back burner in case your current relationship or situationship doesn’t work out.
  • They want to reject them but don’t know how without hurting their feelings, or coming off as mean (which kind of fall under the first point)
  • They have no idea how the persons feels about them.

There is no gender that is exempted from being placed into this zone. Some persons are in this zone without even realizing, while some are in it that do. For those that do they cling onto the hope of one day being given the opportunity, or chance at love. For others that are not aware, here are some signs of being friend zoned:

  • They refuse to put a title, or does not give a straight forward answer about your relationship, or where it is headed (often makes excuses).
  • The person never initiates a conversation, or conversations usually are limited to a few words.
  • They never ask you on a date, or declines your invite, or if you do there is never no sign of affection like kissing, or light touching (hugging not included)
  • They are never intimate with you.
  • They treat you the same way they would treat their friends. For instance, get advice about lovers like they would to a friend.
  • They introduced you to their family as a friend.

There are friendships that are being torn apart, and a lot of resentment because of this. Sometimes it isn’t the person that is the object your affection to blame the person that is being friend zoned. Let’s admit, sometime people tend to hold themselves as hostage themselves within that zone.

For instance, some people would enter a person’s life under false pretences, by first trying to gain a person’s trust. Then they try to gain that person’s friendship, next they try to gain their love. Before you know it this person is professing their undying love and emotions to someone who only sees them as a nothing more than just a friend. This is what I think is unfair, yes I know not everyone that a person will meet in life will have ulterior motives. People tend to introduce themselves to other, then might later become friends based on their compatibility of the same interest, but at the same time we must not deny that people that do meet others  based on being physically attraction towards them.

Then what happens next is initially this person might approach the person they are interested in, but gets shut down, but they tend to hang around. All of a sudden these two become friends, and then the person with the interest will feel like they are in a prominent position in the person’s life where then can try their shot again. Now this move could lead to either result, whereas the person might have grown to love them and become attracted to them. Or it could result in the person still not feeling the same as the person that is interested in them, but now they probably feel awkward, and then friendship becomes totally ruined, or just not the same.

So, as long as persons are not straight forward with their intentions, friend zones will always exist. Not all of the time a person will have the intent of winning over someone’s heart whether it is now or they chose to wait later. But if a person should choose this course in attempting to avoid the friend zone here’s what to do:

  • Express how you feel; a person might not have any clue that you have the slightest feelings towards them as being more than friends.
  • Do know that your plan is not going to be fool proof when it comes to dealing with someone’s emotions. You cannot manipulate or pity someone into feeling the way that you do, or guilt trip them if the feelings are not mutual.
  • Do not beg, or try to convince the person to be with you. If you are already friends, then they already know the quality you possess. It should be their choice to reveal their feelings (weather mutual or not) decide the next step they want to take.
  • Do not put your life on hold for something that you have no control over, or something you do not have a title to. It’s either the person want, or do not want to be with you. Live life, date, you never know you might find a soul mate to get you over your feelings.
  • Make sure to try and get a straight forward enough answer without being pushy. Sometimes this can be a lot for a person to swallow, especially if this is a long-time friendship. But in the end this response will ultimately be the answer you will need in order to make the next step.
  • If you are not successful in obtaining their love, decide whether the friendship can move forward, don’t make the person feel uncomfortable, true friendships can overcome a lot. Besides, there would be no friend zone if people would actually communicate from the day one, and move on if a person isn’t feeling them.

When a person is interested it will show, even if this person is shy, once you make it clear that you are on the same page it will be evident. A summed up way of knowing if the person is only interested in you as a friend is that they will treat you as that, just a friend. There will be no flirting, touching, feeling etc. The love will be generalized and not specific. Everyone is guilty of being put in the friend zone. It is just up to you to decide whether or not you will chance being there, and being released, or if you chose to release yourself.

Then again Ross Gellar  from the popular 90’s sitcom “Friends” waited 7 years before he was given a chance with his long time crush, and Jason from Twilight waited just to protect the love of his life Bella’s daughter, but these are all ficticional characters (see other familiar characters that were friend zoned in the link below)                            http://www.ranker.com/list/worst-friendzones-film-tv/allen-clary?utm_expid=16418821-324.3lRbXetYRRWrK-hFLSpdrg.0&utm_referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2F